Amber Delusion, Amber Delight
by bakattousai
Summary: Kaoru sees herself sitting in a familiar room with Kenshin during what seems to be an eternal sunset. None of them is willing to speak, but Kaoru decides to try. Truth will emerge, but how do they know it's real? What obscure thoughts do they conceal? A mysterious Kenshin/Kaoru romance.
1. Ep 1 -- Hanashite

_**I don't own any of Nobuhiro Watsuki's characters**__, I just copied them into my imagination's hard drive._

I honestly hope you like this first chapter. I work a lot to revise all aspects of my writing but as a non-native speaker I'm never 100% sure. If you have anything to say, please be kind. I learn fast with cool criticism. ^~^

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><p>Absolute silence was the soundtrack of this evening. The sunset carried a wonderful set of colors through the shoji walls. If they could see outside, they would have noticed all of the dancing birds and small leaves falling one by one to the rhythm of Fall.<p>

Kaoru and Kenshin sat in seiza. The low table set between them displayed a cup of tea made of rice grain porcelain for each. The translucent grains embedded in the cups allowed a bit of the amber light to poke in and travel inside.

There was a rather strange feeling that everything in this room was connected, but at the same time so unbearably distant, like a child who is as happy to be born as he is also desperate.

She was neatly dressed: a fine kimono of a dimmed, pastel yellow tone with tiny sakura petals enclosed her body with the aid of a large and soft mint ribbon with a few black stripes. Slightly blushing, she looked at the man sitting just across the small table who seemed to be meditating. None of them anticipated anything. It was just them and their empty porcelain cups. It felt as quiet as the weather that comes after a colossal storm. In spite of the apparent stillness, they were still alive and their hearts were still beating. A second was still as lengthy as it was supposed to be, but somehow the light didn't seem to change and the same could be said about them. No matter how many times a clock could tick, everything would remain still.

Why? How could anyone know if this silence was meant to be broken, the feeling of a precious numb state where nothing changes, where all is fragmented but yet perfect? There is nothing to sip from the cup, there is no word to speak or gesture to exchange as long as sound is absorbed by void and the odd-haired wanderer remains in his quiet trance.

Is she willing to break it, to throw it all away just for the sake of something different, something new? Maybe there won't be a rurouni to stare at the next moment she senses. If it's all an illusion, perhaps she'd rather keep it that way. She'd embrace the eternal amber glow of this glorious sunset, even if it wasn't what she really wanted for herself, for _both_. It didn't matter, though. If they had a reason to live, it would be for the serenity of the tea cups never filled, never sipped, never touched, but still, both the very same.

Should she try to figure whatever it was that _he_ wanted? No matter how long it had been since the beginning, she was clueless. She wouldn't even know if the eternal golden hue was good or bad for him. Looking straight into the rurouni's eyes, she could see an empty purple shell facing an imaginary dark wall. Maybe he couldn't see the same light she saw. Plus, what if... whatever appeared to be a golden color for her was, in fact, a deep blood red for him?

Whatever she wanted wasn't a clear thing to state, for whenever she tried to plainly accept her own decision, she would fall all over again in doubt, questioning what really mattered and how deeply was she willing to sacrifice her genuine interest in this pacifism. Choices had to be made, and if he was imprisoning himself in this coma to please her, then there had to be another way.

_Hanashite..._

She couldn't begin without an inner rehearsal, one of those profound and impenetrable chain of thoughts that she could safely keep as hers only. No matter what, he could never reach those, neither imagine such ideas were possible. The feeling of linkage that this ecstasy provided also suggested that perhaps it wouldn't be too safe to assume he couldn't read her mind; his face presented no hints for that, though.

_Hanashite kudasai._

If he listens, at least she is willing to give him the advantage of a polite request.

The firmness of his stance and the mystified exhibition in his eyes showed that he was, most likely, under some kind of deep meditation. She always thought it would work best with eyes closed, but this light made her feel that nothing should be allowed to steal it from her eyes. Kenshin could very likely feel the same way. Still, it began to hurt not knowing. It was a prison for herself even if it was a delightful one. Right now, the delights of this world were nothing compared to a word from the rurouni.

_Hanashite..._

_Hanashite..._

_Hanashite..._

_Hana...shi...te._

In a breath taking whirlpool her body shook and shivered. It took a fraction of a second, but it was as powerful as a cannon blast, fierce and apocalyptic.

"KENSHIN!"

Supporting her sudden movement in the low table beneath her, she called him out. The tea cups tilted with her movement. Her breath was heavy. It took her so much energy to leave the numbness just to reach him. His eyes, firstly paused in a downward angle towards what looked like the middle of the table moved to match her own. His gaze was still the same, his trance unbroken.

Seeing him looking straight at her like that felt eerie. In a way he seemed to have departed, in spite of the strong ki that always filled him. Kaoru's heartbeats matched the sound of more blasting cannons. There was no other reaction from the rurouni and that made it even harder for her to cope. She sincerely hoped that wasn't a big mistake she just made...

"Ken...shin...", she insisted, wearing a nervous gleam in her eyes that would rapidly fill with tears if nothing else took place. "Hanashite kudasai."

Bending his head to the side like a realistic doll he finally spoke, "Doushita?"

An every-day Kaoru could have smiled happily and run to him in an explosive squeeze. He was there, he was alive, and so was she. They would be okay! But this time she didn't feel much like herself. Breaking the silence gave her some confidence to move on, so she returned to the correct sitting position and looked Kenshin seriously in the eye. "I want to...", she began in a commotive voice tone, "...I want to know... what's on your mind right now".

He got his head back in the normal position and replied, "Why is it important?"

"Umm... Because...".

There wasn't one sentence she could bring from the beginning to its end right away, and everything took her so much time to think about... but on the other hand, everything happened so quickly for her to grasp. She wanted to understand this with all her strength but she found more logic in trying to communicate with Kenshin. It had been a while when she finally finished the promised answer:

"Because I'm selfish."

This time, he hesitated a while before he talked to her again. She apprehended this as a demonstration of discontent for what she just said. "Don't you think it's selfish to be selfless too, Kaoru-dono?"

She stared at his moving lips when he slowly sprouted his words. Could he be talking about himself or just anyone at all? It was getting easier, at the same time as it was getting so much harder, to deal with the situation by the minute.

"Sou", Kaoru admitted. "It's impossible not to be selfish. Whatever one does, even if it consists in pleasing someone else, it will return as just what they wanted for themselves in the first place." She wore a mature, deep eye as she gave him her truth. She imagined this could be the same truth he had for himself, but to her surprise he didn't react quite happily:

"Will it ever be possible for us, human beings of body and soul condemned to sin, to be saved?"

He didn't say _from what_, but it felt right to assume he was judging the irreparable selfishness as the ultimate grudge. It could have been a rhetorical question with fair resemblance of his dark past, which Kaoru already had formed an idea from his revelations prior to Jinchuu. Before that happened, every time he talked about what happened he would be brief, and something in his speech revealed he thought of himself as realistic, when he was actually covering up the dirt and gore of reality. It ended up being her pain too. She wouldn't show it, but the truth was that it stung her to not be able to do anything about it: neither would she invade his space by asking him more questions, nor would he talk it out. Much like the numbness of the sunset, it was an unbroken daze they would retain.

"Kenshin... You shouldn't think about those things", she attempted; it was a honest answer, but as she re-thought it a few times she worried it wouldn't ease him at all, which was what she intended, of course.

"You asked me..." She could swear she felt sadness in his voice. "...to speak my mind. Demo, you also want to change what I'm thinking. It turns out that knowing is not enough, that it is not..."

Kaoru froze until she quickly, muddily sprouted an apology:

"Gomenasai... Kenshin... I... ..."

Dealing with such apathy, along with sipping painful truths like an invisible amber tea from their cups, was too hard for her to bear. It could be her most sensitive side throbbing to leave this place, where no longer she could be happy for just remaining still. She leaned closer, small tears gathering in the corner of her eyes, glowing, melting and burning her delicate skin.

"I swear I only want- I _need_ you to find your happiness... For that is how I'll get my own."

How she'd let that out was still something she would figure. Unhesitatingly though, he replied:

"This rurouni is a convenient mask for a man who decided to let time bring clues on his true atonement, as selfish as he was for wanting to change this world and protect the weak. He even lost what he mostly cherished, yet he kept on living cradled with that hope. What I'm thinking is... truly _I have none._"

"What do you mean?... You've been so kind for people everywhere, you even stayed with me..."

"...And then I left", he briefly interrupted.

Whatever invisible tea they were drinking, he obviously consumed a lot more than she did. His dark past had incorporated in Kenshin as an incurable depression, followed by a numbness that, just a while before, managed to deceive her as an eternal sunshine. But of course it wasn't. Sunset had always been an introspective synonym of blood for Kenshin. For the little she knew, that was mostly important. This wasn't the time to remember hurtful events like his departure! She thought it would be best to try and turn it the other way around.

"It... it was... a _lovely_ departure. It reminds me of all good things you brought into my life." It felt intimidating for Kaoru to speak such words as he faced her directly, but she kept going. "When you left to Kyoto, I first thought I had nothing else to live for. When I realized I was resenting from having learned what it was to live with you, I couldn't bare any other choice... That was the time I understood the only choice there was... was to come after you."

When she was finished talking, she could picture in her mind the rurouni opening his mouth in emotive shock or letting go of a confused oro; maybe some nape scratching at least. But, once again, he didn't meet her expectations. Instead, he looked down to his empty tea cup. "Doushita no?", Kaoru nervously asked.

How terrible was she at dealing with this situation? _A whole damn lot_, she thought. Thinking didn't help, speaking didn't help either. Kenshin was trapped and she was the only one who could sneak him out of that. The way she found to do so was to stretch her small fingers in the direction of Kenshin's, inevitably spreading her warmth in the way, hoping to reach him in a way that words had proven to be insufficient. He stared at her hand, this one illuminated by gold and perfumed by jasmine. Kaoru imitated him first, and then redirected into his shadowy eyes, which held so many unrevealed mysteries. "You can talk to me. Onegai, just... don't... push me away...", she begged.

"I tried to find on my own", he started in a revealing tone, "...what I should do in order to atone for my sins. I honestly believed that selflessness would allow me to find my way, but the only way I once had with someone dear to me... was death by my very own hands." He closed his eyes. She already knew this story. It was probably the numbness affecting him, causing him to retell the darkest episodes of his life. "Your delicate but hardworking hands have never tasted such sin; you are infinitely precious for that, Kaoru-dono; but as for me..." He thickly paused. "Sessha will never be a proper match for you, no matter how my selfless side throbs to protect your happiness."

"Is that the reason you... decided to stay?" Kaoru asked, quietly basking in her own tears.

Kenshin nodded. Biting his lip for a tiny second, he looked away; Kaoru still faced him intensely, as she hoped he would reach only the smallest tip of her pinky finger, allowing them to connect further by doing so... but he didn't. Instead, he kept mourning, "Your ideals and swordsmanship are something I never hoped to find in my ten years of wandering, Kaoru-dono... Your energy also pushed me closer, but I never intended for a single moment to become the ruler of your happiness. I merely wished to protect you. I never expected something in return, for that was the least I could do. That is what felt right to do... Sessha-"

"Daijoubu, Kenshin."

She sounded comforting despite the running, burning traces of tears in her cheeks, dripping in her neck and slowly meeting the edges of her beautiful kimono. Kenshin could no longer deny her efforts. All he did was to prevent her from suffering, and all that caused her was pain.

"Right now, I just... I need... you to..." She hid her crying face, trying to cover the mess it looked like from Kenshin, but her stretched hand remained. His fingertips joined hers in a soft, timid gesture that gave her a sudden comfort about a thousand times more powerful than the tricky, delusional amber sunset still upon them. Then, he slowly lowered his forehead until it rested on her cold knuckles. Rubbing to the sides in a somewhat timid affection, he made her feel so pleased it became extremely difficult to complete the words she started. She desperately needed to tell him those forbidden words she'd been keeping for so long.

"I need you".

Kenshin stopped moving. She couldn't meet his eyes, but she felt afraid for a few reasons. What if it wasn't the right time for this? She was convicted that he needed to send away his ghosts of the past and let her embrace him as she never did, or perhaps _he_ did, when he left for Kyoto. That place which witnessed his somber life as a hitokiri who made way for the Meiji era. That side of him made way for their encounter, and the new era represented the time they became dear to each other. _All good things came for Himura, _he probably thought. He never believed he deserved open doors receiving him as the owner ignored his past crimes; worse - or better - than that, she wouldn't even _care_. Unjust would be the best word for Kenshin to describe it, but no matter what, Kaoru accepted him.

"I want to stay with you, _Kenshin_", she boldly insisted.

After a moment of stillness, he finally lifted his head. Kaoru looked in his eyes again. They were watery, heavy and clouded by a greyish kind of sickness of the mind. He closed them as he prepared to say:

"...I have known that I filled a hole in your soul caused by the loss of your father since the beginning. I denied your attempts to get closer to my inner self because I was sure that sooner or later I would end up on hurting you. I will lie if I say that changed, and I'm not going to lie, not to you. You can hate me for it, and I surely deserve it, but at least it is the true, Kaoru-dono..."

"W-why does it m-matter?!", she whispered, weeping, sobbing. She felt desperate for it seemed so hard, so hard, **_so hard_** to make him understand!

His face almost turned purple as he witnessed her uncontrolled tears flowing like burning arrows directed to her tender heart. Everything he said seemed so true and genuine to her. At this point, it seemed like he was purely making excuses for his distance and she knew it.

_He blames himself for everything._..

She couldn't look in his eyes anymore. It was unfair to convince him out of pity. He could believe in all the words he said, but he wouldn't allow her to suffer like that. He wasn't going anywhere and there was no real threat he could use as an excuse. Whenever someone else caused pain to Kaoru, he would be the first one to offer himself to deal with it, many times risking his own life to assure her safety. Somehow, when it was him who presented the source of trouble, he forcefully ignored for he didn't know what to do. It was important for him to stick to his ideals, and he would never forgive himself - didn't forgive himself - for what happened when Jinchuu took place. Whatever fear he held, no matter how important it seemed to him, he would have to let it go.

"Kaoru-dono, please. Don't cry anymore. It is so wrong, it is all my fault, that it is, I'm... I'm so sorry..."

"Mou ii!"

She stood up in an instant, driven by a spontaneous anger. Now it was time for him to open his mind's eye and begin to see.

"Why do you need to torment yourself? W-what do you gain from that? Tell me j-just why do you have to forbid yourself to find your own happiness, moreover when I am already so attached to you, so...", she grasped and continued, "I chose to stay by your side. I have always believed that you would never fall for a stupid woman like me, that nobody would ever..."

He watched her get worse and worse. It hurt him to let it happen like this. He didn't want any of this...

"I've been broken too, but _you_ released me. You, and your flaming streaks of red hair, your will to give up your life to keep me alive, your ways of being polite with me all the time despite my terrible cooking, my annoying manners when I'm crazed, and it is SO easy for me to make a mess, as you know b-better than most!"

She cleaned her own tears and approached Kenshin's side at the table. Uninvited, she sat by him as continued to argue while he stared at her, dumbfounded and incredulous. "When you came to face Enishi, you said out loud I was the most important person to you", she held a crying hiccup as she pointed this out. Kenshin opened his mouth in sadness and shock; yet, it was only the truth. He felt like a bullet crossed his chest as she confronted him:

"You found a way to live with your sins, why can't you find a way to live with me?"

Kenshin's hands flew to the sides of her arms and lingered. He needed her to calm down fast, and he was willing to do anything that could solve that immediately, so without further thinking, he instinctively moved his chest close to hers and embraced her. Kenshin shivered with her warmness and Kaoru immediately hushed. Tears streamed down her face, incredulous of what he had just done.

_I want to stay like this forever..._

The way she was held by Kenshin was so familiar she dove in nostalgia, recalling what seemed to be the only time they wrapped so close together. During that time, she didn't even think of returning the embrace. Her lost mind couldn't figure out anything by now, for all she could picture was the night he left without a promise to return. He strained her even more in his arms as he sprouted these words of console:

"Hisashiburi, Kaoru. Sessha wa koko ni iru."

_(Long time no see, Kaoru. This lowly self is here.)_

Her eyes flashed open in tender amusement. She'd never had such endearment with Kenshin. It almost scared her to think such thing could be said from her so long craved better-half's mouth. For less than two years they've known each other, but somehow she felt like she waited for all the years he wandered until they finally met, just to lead into this... It was a sentiment close to mythical.

_"Ken... ..shin"_ This time her words were robbed by a slight rub of his nose in hers, melting all of her insides and possessing her in a way that she never dreamed to experience. This was as intimate as she ever got with a man. His eyes were now clouded by something she couldn't comprehend because they were filled with sentiment. Perhaps he finally acknowledged that both of them had their weaknesses, but have proven to be stronger together.

Her horizon was now an endless ocean of violet spheres, gazing into her with vivid emotion. His body moved millimeter by millimeter, for he felt insecure himself. How he valued this young woman was a secret between him and the gods. It pleased him that it stayed that way, considering that the only kind of love he knew was, by any means, hard to fulfill. Finally she closed her eyes and cut the rope that pulled her just an inch away from Kenshin.

TO BE CONTINUED

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><p>Seiza - traditional japanese sitting position<p>

Sakura - cherry tree flowers

Rurouni - wanderer

Hanashite - speak

Kudasai, Onegai - please

Ki - aura

Sou - yes, right

Jinchuu - punishment by man

Gomenasai - I'm sorry

Doushita no? - what is it?

Hitokiri - contract killer

Bakumatsu - revolution pre-Meiji

Gi - traditional japanese clothing that complements with hakama

Mou ii - that's enough

Hisashiburi - hello, long time no see

Sessha - this lowly self

Wa - topic marker (indicates subject)

Koko - here

Ni - particle used to indicate place

Iru - to be

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><p>Hi guys, it's me! First of all, I'm glad to meet you. I worked hard for this story to work as a single chapter but I drove myself into this.<p>

I honestly hope that you like it and keep reading. I'm also curious of how you interpreted this, since from what I see the purpose of a lot of this environment is extremely subjective. If you think you understood I'm ready to discuss it with you, but I am probably never going to disclose it by myself.

For all Ruroken fans out there, a warm hello and for everybody, take care.


	2. Ep 2 -- Hatsugen

_**I don't own any of Nobuhiro Watsuki's characters,** I just copied them into my imagination's hard drive.  
><em>  
>First I want to  have to thank my new reviewers and followers. I will keep on working hard in order to deliver you the best content possible. I confess I am very doubtful of how this is going to unfold, but I have a lot of clues right now. I am particularly curious of how you'll take this **and **the next chapter. Keep in mind I'm a non-native speaker. If you have anything to say, please be kind. I learn super fast with sweet criticism. ^~^

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><p><em>Her horizon was now an endless ocean of violet spheres, gazing into her with vivid emotion. His body moved millimeter by millimeter, for he felt insecure himself. How he valued this young woman was a secret between him and the gods. It pleased him that it stayed that way, considering that the only kind of love he knew was, by any means, hard to fulfill. Finally she closed her eyes and cut the rope that pulled her just an inch away from Kenshin.<br>_

"Aaah!", Kaoru yelled, lifting from her futon, breathing noisily and sweating. A few more breaths and she realized where she was. _I'm at the dojo_. She looked around. _I'm not alone_. A fiery red tuft was sneaking from inside the mattress to her right. "Daijoubu", she sighed, unknowingly provoking a sound response from the man beside her.

"Daijoubu ka", he murmured. She was unsure if he was talking in his sleep or if he sensed her waking, but she nodded and smiled. He answered her with a smile too, although he couldn't have seen anything with both eyelids shut. He raised his upper arm just a little. Cold air rushed into the futon.

"Hayaku", the rurouni whispered. Kaoru quickly obeyed by spooning comfortably, allowing him to circle her with his available arm, as her head rested on his other hand; crimson red and midnight blue strands of long hair mixed together. The air smelled sweet, sounded quiet and _tasted like happiness_.

"I had such a strange dream", she pronounced slowly, in the hushed tone of someone who's been very deep in their sleep. "We sat by a tea table. Strangely, our cups were empty, and there was _this light_... I wonder how long we spent in there... perhaps only a few minutes, but I could just swear,", she paused as he cuddly pushed her against him, unwillingly interrupting her. It was impossible for her to focus on what she was trying to say anymore, and that made her laugh. _Kenshin no baka. You should apologize for distracting me like that. _"I can't stop thinking how strange it was, but at the same time, I can't help but feeling funny about it..."

"Doushite?", he threw in a whisper to her closest ear.

"Ano," she began explaining, "The light was very intense. Everything that was touched by it turned static. It was... wonderful... demo, I just sat there, and so did you. At some point I looked straight into your eyes, and for some reason I thought you were gone and your soul was somewhere else. I was scared... I shivered at the possibility that my vision of such a beautiful amber glow could appear as a blood red moon to you." She almost inaudibly gasped at the thought. "I managed to break the numbness by speaking to you, but things went wrong... I tried to reach you but it seemed impossible. When I thought we were lost for good, you suddenly hugged me. I couldn't return it but you still held me tight. Things were so different back then, ne Kenshin?"

But the red head was already on the other side, probably visualizing into a dream the last words she spoke. _I wonder which ones he got last_, Kaoru thought. Cherishing the comfort, Kaoru waited until she naturally let go of her consciousness too.

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><p>"Tonight's special is Bloody Valentine, samurai-kun."<p>

Kenshin was sitting in front of a low tea table. This room had been colored by a dull red glow and he was the only visitor, aside from the unusual but handsome waitress who had approached him from the opposite corner of the room. The light was so deep his very own hair appeared to be of a muddy brown color. He was riddled by how this waitress looked very much like Kaoru, except for the fact that she was groomed in a completely different way; a low-cut black western dress, dark lipstick, and much shorter and messier hair composed her appearance. He also possessed the odd feeling that he'd been waiting for something, but was unaware of what exactly.

"You a..." Kenshin interrupted himself before he could reveal his thoughts. He raised his hands to cover his eyes for a second and then pressed his forehead.

"Daijoubu ka?" She moved her zaisu a bit closer. "You look restless", she noted before she blinked in a way that, Kenshin thought, was definitely Kaoru's. "I live on the second floor of this place. You may take my room for the night if you need some rest. I sleep during the day, so I don't need it that soon."

He was startled by the suggestion but didn't want to seem ungrateful.

"Kekkou desu". He sounded certain but, in fact, he felt opposed by his own doubtfulness. What was it that he _really_ wanted? Anyway, he knew what he should do. "I am a rurouni, so I must wander off..."

"You can do that after you make me a little more company", she happily interrupted, "...if you'd like. It gets lonely here." She seemed pretty honest and by looking through her weary eyes he decided to accept the last offer.

The waitress reached for two large wine glasses and a bottle and set them on the table. She was sitting adjacently to his edge of the table, preparing to pour a generous amount of a fruity, dark vermilion beverage on each. He watched her serving carefully. Despite her efforts, the bottle was a bit heavy and the sudden flow of liquid caused her glass to quickly overfill and spread on the table. Before he could try and help her out, she shouted, "Watashi no baka, baka, baka!... Sumimasen, I will come back right away and clean this. Please don't leave."

He was surprised to notice the similarity of Kaoru's frustration when she did something awkward in front of somebody, but it was much different from the frustration Kaoru embodied when she spilled, broke, burned or ruined something, even though all of those seemed to him like natural things to happen and hence unworthy of concern. She was biting her lip out of ashamed frustration, but as she traced her eyes in his direction all she did was conveniently smile.

When the waitress was finally done soaking towels with the spoiled wine, Kenshin was trying to figure out whether to ask her name was a good or a bad idea.

"What is your name, then?" She made the move first. Sitting down and pointing the glasses, she diverted, "This one is my favorite. Shinpai shinaide, it's a gift for my first customer in such a long time." She carefully grabbed her glass and pressed it on her lips. She closed her eyes as she sipped from it. When she opened them again, she immediately stared at the rurouni who was blinking his eyes out of some secret confusion. "...Unless you don't like alcohol?", she asked.

"Ano..."

"Are you married?" She wore a natural expression like she was just getting to know her new and only customer.

He shook his head. "Iie... ano... Sessha... ...was married once", he nervously stated. He guessed from her attitude that he wasn't a complete stranger to her, but there was truth in her eyes when she questioned him like one would do if they had just met. It would be incredibly awkward for him to treat her as if she _was_ Kaoru, yet he didn't have one proof they were different people.

She lifted one eyebrow in surprise. "_Was_ married? Doushitano?..."

A moment of silence occurred before Kenshin could figure out what to say. "I don't mean to be rude, but...", she shyly announced, "I noticed you've been staring at me for a while."

He paused in astonishment. While he was fairly convinced of this girl to be the Kaoru he knew, she kept saying things that seemed contradictory to her ways. She noticed his facial expression and said, "...Gomenasai. For saying inappropriate things. Maybe that's why nobody comes here anymore."

He thought of pleasing her with a few simple words, as he would normally do in typical circumstances. Trying to find a little more of Kaoru here and there got the waitress thinking that _maybe_ he wanted something more from her. He felt awkward and thought of leaving quickly for a second, but he couldn't possibly leave. He knew that would make her feel worse.

"I apologize for having stared at you," he admitted, "but you are very similar to someone I know, that you are."

"I get that all the time", she said as she swallowed some more wine. Soon her glass was empty. "Aah, it is so good. I have kept this bottle for thirteen years. When you came here I just had a feeling that it was time, and I was sure we'd end up becoming friends." She smiled radiantly.

_Thirteen years... _"May I ask your name?", he hesitantly asked, hoping his suspicions would be true. Or false. He was pretty unsure himself.

"Let's just say I was married once too. A very talented swordsman who was brave to an extreme. He had a past that I wish I could have done something about." Her eyes became watery and the alcohol was starting to build up in her system. "But I couldn't. It wasn't my choice to make, anyway... So now I live here on my own."

"How did he...?" Kenshin attempted.

"Pass away?... Oh, that's a story I'd rather leave for another day, if rurouni-kun doesn't mind. I've been lonely ever since he died. You may not believe me, but I am actually the owner of this bar." She gestured around. "A long time ago this was a vivid place, it sheltered many people. I'd probably fall into debt if they'd stayed here, anyway." She began pouring a little more wine in her glass but Kenshin grabbed her wrist. "I don't think you should drink more, that you should not."

Her eyes were oblivious. Blushing, she said, "You are a fine piece. I wish you could stay for the night." Shining and round like two big stars in the sky, they told him things that her mouth probably couldn't ever. He felt suddenly captured by her gaze. He was still holding her wrist; as he noticed, he stopped and apologized. "Ano, I have nowhere else to go, so... I guess I can stay."

He accidentally checked her outfit. The dress was very elegant and he knew it was black due to the contrast it made to the ecstatic red light. It was hard for him to think by the minute and the mystery of Kaoru's waitress twin was starting to unnerve him.

"Are you going to keep on staring or are you finally going to try the wine? I'd dare saying it is not polite to keep a filled glass on its own", she reminded.

Kenshin awkwardly apologized and quickly held his glass. He'd never tried red wine before. He'd been offered some before but he never felt drawn into it. The scent of it was strong and fruity, but also deep and woody. It was inviting indeed, but the waitress had been diverting his attention, part willingly, part not. It seemed rather difficult to be self-conscious in this place. Was it even true he had been staring at her, or did she just say it to...? _What did the outside world look like again?_

"Daijoubu, it is entirely made from grapes... a fancy western custom. It is akin to blood in appearance, but if you try it you'll find it's too fine to be associated with such a thing."

What was the matter with the color of it? Everything was covered by the crimson light anyway. He decided to do as the waitress suggested. He tried a little of the wine and found it exquisite. First, a punched, sour taste; then, a sweet flavor of warm, fermented fruit. "It is very good, that it is... arigatou."

"See, I told you. It's a shame you won't allow me to have some more... maybe I shouldn't let you have a full cup yourself", she joked.

He liked the way she drove a conversation, even though he could sense the mild flirtation of her every move. _She must have been lonely for a long time_, he thought, trying to understand what really happened to the young woman who resembled the one he really knew. In fact, his intuition was 100% sure this was Kaoru. Why she disguised in such clothes and had a story of a dead husband was still intriguing.

"I wonder if you're always quiet like that or if you're just overthinking. Either way, you should try to relax... wine tastes better if you're relaxed", she stated.

"Gomenasai", he was apologizing too much and he knew it, but being quiet seemed better than leaning to cut all of his phrases, omitting the parts that could possibly cause any hard feelings. "I was thinking that, maybe if you had a family..."

"Family?", she asked as she curled up a streak of hair with her index finger. "My mom died when I was little. My father died, just like my husband. I believe I am condemned to loving man who will leave me for the sake of a sword. Maybe you and your sword are too familiar. I can't avoid it, you know..."

He didn't know what to say. The more he could find a connection to this woman and Kaoru, the more he would betray his own senses. It couldn't be Kaoru. But more important than that was that it couldn't be anyone else. Still, he was sitting there, drinking wine with the lonely waitress and boss of this ethereal bar, having accepted to stay for the night.

"I don't mean anything but... I think I'm dreaming", he finally confessed. Didn't matter if it was the wine or whatever.

"Nande?", she inquired, smirking as if he meant that she was _too good to be true_. The desire for more wine got her anxious and nearly begging him for a little more.

"I told you that you look like someone I know", he reminded.

"Hai."

"At the same time you look like someone entirely different."

"Ee? Hontou?", she exclaimed, interestingly. "What is it that makes us that different?"

He wanted to begin describing how her lips matched the color of the wine, whilst Kaoru's were always of a pink, natural color. How Kaoru's long and dark hair, usually gathered in a high ponytail was so different from this waitress'. How these clothes seemed too exotic for the shihandai who cherished colorful kimonos, but spent most of her time wearing her fighting clothes. Both were as talkative and handsome as each other; however, their natures were divergent. Also, the Kaoru he knew didn't have such thing as a dead husband, as far as he knew, but if he tried to imagine himself as the husband, the stories were very compatible. Maybe death was what set these two women apart, even though they really could be the same person (and, of course, this would have to be a dream).

"You keep a lot to yourself, rurouni. Or should I call you samurai? You're carrying a sword and that scar on your face suggests you've been through trouble. And I still don't know your name, but I hope you tell me before you leave", she confessed with a worrying look but contained with her softness as she talked.

"This sword is meant to protect only. The scar is a legacy from my past, just as your eyes are from yours", he disclosed, noting the glimpse of sorrow that he knew Kaoru's eyes lacked.

"Can you show me the sword...?", she requested.

_Why not_, he first thought, which led him to begin unsheathing the sakatabatou. Middle way he stopped, bringing the sword back into the sheath completely. This sword had witnessed a lot, and suddenly it seemed unnecessary for him to present this woman with such object. "I'd rather not, if you don't mind."

"Ii yo", she said. "I'm still curious about that woman who looks like me", she confessed as she poked her finger on her lower lip. "Let me see... a friend? Family? Another waitress?..." She drew circles with the tip of her index finger on the round glass edges.

Deliberately, Kenshin grabbed the bottle and poured some wine into her glass. "If you're nervous for not drinking, I'd rather let you have it, that I would". He grabbed his own glass and tasted a bit more.

She liked how things were turning out. "Whoever I remind you of, she must be a lucky woman...", she blushed with her own words and some help from the wine.

"Would you happen to have a birthmark on your hips?", Kenshin inquired.

She brought her hand to the hip over the dress, as if she was looking for the aforementioned birthmark. Running the tips of her fingers across the wrinkles of the tight dress waist, her eyes kept looking towards the ceiling in attempt to remember. "I guess I don't have it."

"I guess you do", he said after he gulped down, finishing his wine. He decided to trust his intuition and see where it took him. Despite of most likely being in a dream, when he looked in her eyes, he saw a woman with no doubts on this life, but who lived too much to handle. She needed some excitement and joy to keep up with herself. He was unsure of what this could all mean, for it seemed the Kaoru he reminded so well didn't exist under this crimson light other than in this waitress' body.

"Can I take a walk outside?", he asked.

"I think you can't..." she replied in apathy. "You see, there is no _way_ out of this place."

_I'm dreaming then,_ he decided. _I'm dreaming and this is Kaoru, definitely._ He looked around and reminded the first impression that he had when he found himself in this place. It certainly looks like her dojo. She looks like her, too. But why is there nobody else around? Was _he_ dead? Is this a dream of him meeting with Kaoru in the afterlife? He once had a nightmare similar to that, but that happened before many other things took place - especially inside of his heart.

"What is your name?", he fiercely asked.

"I can't say...", she sadly confessed.

"What was your husband's name?"

"I can't say either..."

He looked in her eyes. He knew what this meant. She didn't know, and she couldn't tell him. But she did know about her own past, at least.

"How did your husband die?", he nervously demanded.

"Why are you insis...", she began in a slightly disappointed tone, but then she had to cope. "No one knows. A lot of people used to look for him, challenging him to please themselves with useless revenge; each one of them looked worse than the other. He used to win every match flawlessly, but he was never really proud of that. He had a clear goal in his mind that I believe he could never fulfill. One day he came to me and said 'it was time'. I don't know where he went, but I know he died. I know it... because that day the sky went red and I could never see the world in any other color."

Perplexed, he questioned her again, "How did he look like?"

She looked down for a second, then looked at him again, eyes glowing. She slowly laid one arm over the table and rested her head on it, and softly, she whispered, "Much like you."

She stayed that way for a while until she swept a tear and graciously stood up, meeting him at his side of the table. Then she held his hand and led him upstairs. He felt like resisting but in the last chance he had, he didn't. They walked the stairs one by one, and as he followed her he noticed her curves and black dress. _Abunai,_ he warned himself. They entered a corridor filled with a familiar jasmine scent. Nothing could be seen for there was no light except for an entrance straight across. It was filled with a dimmed red light he was already familiar with. He followed the waitress continuously until they were in the room. She led him in, still having hold of his hand and closing the shoji door with her other.

"Sessha...", Kenshin murmured.

"How would you like me to be called?", she seductively asked as she slid her hands by the edges of his gi. He tried to utter something but she got the best of him. Before he could make a gesture, her hands reached the sides of his warm chest. She tried to push him against the wall but he grabbed her hands and shouted: "I-I don't think this is appropriate, that it is not!"

She was now right in front of him, restrained by his hands, staring with eyes of wine and a lost mind. He couldn't deny how she was good, but betrayal twinkled in his mind for this wasn't Kaoru _for real_.

"You can't pretend you don't know me", she claimed as she slightly tasted his collarbone with the tip of her tongue. It was flavorless and unreal to her, a dream figure created by his unconscious mind. _Why did I let something like this happen?,_ he questioned endlessly, and he kept saying to himself, _Muri, muri, muri, muri, muri, muri..._ "Still not going to admit?", she insisted.

"I-I...", he stumbled, trying to forcefully deal with such a complicated situation where nothing seemed either right or wrong. "I... I want you to prove me you're Kaoru".

"Kaoru?", she repeated, gleaming her eyes just like he remembered. It was insane to be confused like this, especially in a dream... did his actions really matter? No, what mattered was how _she_ would feel afterwards. What _he_ would feel afterwards. _This Kaoru must be grieving, _he considered. Even if in her mind it was his figure she had, he couldn't possibly hurt her by getting closer in a way he could never take back. Apart from his conscious intentions, he let go of the desperate grip and allowed her to take his hand, so they set away from the wall to meet a platform bed near a depicted window frame. The dull light came from a bulb at the bedside table. It projected their shadows along the room. She silently commanded him to sit. He simply obeyed. She remained on her feet as she slowly searched her back for the ribbon which tied her dress. He immediately looked away.

"Hontou ni?...", she lamented. It didn't keep her from spontaneously removing her dress, trying to cope with the man's attitude for a change. A dark underwear piece covered her pair, beautifully laced and tight. Reaching down to her hips, the dress revealed a distinct detail.

"You can look now".

When he turned his head to face the half dressed woman he rushed in his spine. She was something incredible, whoever she was, whatever she was actually made of; she seemed made of flesh and bone, standing right in front of him, with realistic but unbelievable curves. He knew those, just as he knew the unmistakable birthmark displayed on the left curve of her hip.

"Now, are you happy?", she smiled as she contemplated the mark she knew he hoped to be there.

"Sessha is dreaming, you are not real, and neither am I in this place", he uttered in denial.

Disappointed, she kept undressing, pulling the garment to the floor, exhibiting her _other_ underwear. She snapped her fingers and the light went out. No more red, no more...

In the pitch dark she kneeled in front of him, reaching his chest with her fingertips. He intuitively caught her hand and felt the coolness of it. This room was colder than the bar and it should be even colder for her without the dress. By this time he had probably stopped thinking, for his mind was absolutely committed to his senses. She got closer to him until he could no longer sense any smell but an enthusiastic, exotic jasmine. His hand instinctively reached the soft nape of her neck. He closed his eyes, but in the darkness that lit it was something secretive; this way, he could feel more accurately everything physical. His fingers showed him that long, silky hair laid by her shoulders, instead of the messy cut he'd seen with his eyes. His hand ventured further, reaching the middle of her slim torso. Without a thought, he grabbed and pulled a few strings he found there, causing her top underwear to graciously fall on his hakama. She stretched over him and he laid horizontally. Pulling the garment away, she advanced until their hips were parallel to each other, allowing her hair to fall on his chest and tickling him by so.

"Do you know who I am?", she exhaled.

He was disoriented but ceased to resist her questions. What would he say to her? What happened if he was wrong? He'd seen the birthmark, but now it was dark and above all facts he was dreaming.

"You should know...", she lamented. He could sense her smirking.

_How long had it been since they met?_ Did he forget some things? Was it the wine? No, he hadn't drunk that much. When Sanosuke challenged him before, he was able to catch him leaving the dojo some time later. He considered himself sensible and resistant; his own sleep never seemed deep enough to keep him from sensing what happened around if there was _enough_ movement or sound. The reflections of his life as a hitokiri engraved in his brain.

"Dou yu koto?", Kenshin asked.

"You partly know me, and I partly know you..." She lowered until her body touched him, creating a thin void line at every particle of his body that collided with her. He sensed her breath just an inch over his face. It was Kaoru multiplied by herself a hundred times; all feelings were more intense and unique, every line he could picture was neater. His heart was beating to the rhythm of a heavy groove, aggressively pulsing against his chest, this one already so close to Kaoru's. He felt her mouth move slowly to his ear. She was about to whisper something when he abruptly opened his eyes in the darkness, not to look but to _see_; The only possible explanation for this was... ... _Masaka..._?

The words slipped from her mouth in a caressing voice:

"Watashi wa Battousai no tsuma da."

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><p>Watashi wa battousai no tsuma da - I am Battousai's wife<br>Hatsugen - Revelation  
>Daijoubu - It's ok<br>Dojo - [Kamiya Kasshin's] training place; Kaoru's home  
>Ka - Particle used for questions, similar to '?'<br>Hayaku - Hurry  
>Kenshin no baka - Kenshin you idiot (idiomatic expression)<br>Doushite - How  
>Ano - Uh, Umm (hesitation)<br>Demo - But  
>Ne - Particle used to express the need of the other person to agree, similar to "Isn't that so?"<br>Kun - Honorific used generally for a male person in several contexts  
>Zaisu - Traditional Japanese chair without legs used for sitting on the floor<br>Kekkou desu - No thanks  
>Rurouni - Wanderer<br>Watashi - I, myself  
>Sumimasen - I'm sorry, Excuse me<br>Shinpai shinaide - Don't worry  
>Iie - No<br>Sessha - Humble and outdated way of saying "I", akin to "this lowly self"  
>Doushitano - What happened (for a female; Doushitanda for a male)<br>Gomenasai - I'm sorry  
>Arigatou - Thank you (informal)<br>Nande - What  
>Hai - Yes<br>Ee - Used to show surprise  
>Hontou - True  Really  
>Shihandai - low ranked master<br>Kimono - Traditional Japanese outfit for women, literally means "thing to wear"  
>Samurai - Professional Japanese warrior<br>Sakabatou - Reverse blade sword  
>Ii yo - That's ok (in a stressful tone as to avoid arguing)<br>Abunai - Dangerous  
>Shoji - Sliding japanese door or window made of translucent paper with wood frames<br>Gi - Clothing associated with martial arts (top piece)  
>Muri - Impossible, too difficult<br>Hontou ni? - Honestly?  
>Hakama - Traditional Japanese clothing (bottom piece)<br>Hitokiri - Contract killer  
>Dou yu koto - What do you mean<br>Masaka - No way, It can't be  
>Tsuma - Wife<p>

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><p>Hey guys *O* I am so happy that I lived to let you have this second chapter. For those who like English words swapped with Japanese, I've worked a little harder to please you (and this lowly self) this time. I have recently started and finished [that was fast...] watching Cowboy Bebop so I have to admit this ultimate version of Kaoru was completely influenced by Faye, I had her in my head all the time. I guess that given the context I'm allowed to do so, but please try to see her as Kamiya Kaoru, nevertheless!<p>

If you got confused at the end, I hope it comforts you to know that who Kenshin met was _indeed _a version of Kaoru. She fell in love with Kenshin while he still had the Battousai in him, so this Kenshin you're meeting actually managed to let go of his 'other' self, therefore he's a 100% rurouni Kenshin. This illustrates the part of Kaoru who loved that part in him which died.

I don't have any idea of how long it will take me to upload the next chapter. I feel kind of irresponsible for spending so much time researching, writing, reviewing and just gazing at the Ruroken universe when I should be using this time to finish all my projects for the end of the semester at college!

Whatever thoughts / hopes you have about this story or its metaphors, please try me. I don't want to be like David Lynch, although he is actually one of my infinite sources of inspiration. I say this because I never get his meanings until I read someone's brilliant insight on the web. It matters a lot to me if you can read my intentions, but most of all it matters how **you **read what I intended.

Best wishes for you all.


	3. Ep 3 -- Hitori

**I don't own any of Nobuhiro Watsuki's characters,** I just copied them into my imagination's hard drive.

I'm sorry to have made you wait so long for this chapter, and thank you for backing me up. You can find the meanings of the Japanese words and terms at the end of the page, along with a few thoughts I want to share with you guys. Fluffy criticism is very much appreciated, but if you want to be harsh, try to do it on weekends so that I can happily go to college and keep up my struggling journey of becoming a graphic designer ^o^ Enjoy!

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><p>...<p>

He opened his eyes.

His heavy, lingering eyelids resisted the fierce sunlight above. All by himself, he laid on the porch like a personification of self-deception. _It felt so real,_ he drastically reckoned_._ The rurouni's hand reached out in attempt to recall the texture of Kaoru's hair when he touched it in the dark, but all there was left was the sweet memory of jasmine scent. His pupils were ghostly washed by an inconsolable tiredness; nevertheless, he could feel that the place was too silent. He stood, rubbed his eyes in attempt to force the awakening, then got on his feet in order to check the place.

"Where is everyone?", Kenshin called out as he went inside. He walked in each and every room, being the kitchen the last he checked. He slid the shoji door open. The wooden countertops were completely dry and there was no stored food, a clear sign that this place hadn't been anybody's home for a reasonable amount of time_. _Quickening his pace, he re-entered the training room where Kaoru gave lessons. Perhaps there he could find any clues for the group's inexplicable absence. __Maybe Kaoru left ___me _is something he didn't realize he thought — he simply converted it into a form that would allow him to cope with the situation. For some reason, he believed Kaoru wasn't coming back. There was also a chance that the dojo had been assaulted. What if something bad happened while he was off? How long had it been since the last time he actually saw them? A few weeks, even months? He couldn't figure it out, and it confused him.

That confusion started to bring him down; it hurt him to contemplate the happy memories he kept of this place, as reality at that moment only seemed to portray a cold, worn-out scenario. If Kaoru left, then Yahiko would have done the same, and Sanosuke... Well, after all, Kaoru was the one who worked and managed to sustain and feed the group. The chances of Sano stopping by to see him were practically none. Kenshin just knew he wouldn't, not soon. Along with Kaoru's energetic mood and passion, Kenshin also lost life as he had accustomed to.

_How can I not know what happened?... How... does happiness go away that easily?_

He longed at his memory of battousai's Kaoru illuminated by the red light. It wasn't the Kaoru he knew, but it was her, still, unreal and fragmented, whose fragments were build up by his own imagination. He missed her, not the flirt, but the thriving soul that defined her, and the physical structure he had associated with it. He never admitted to Kaoru that she was beautiful; it was easy for him to recognize beauty in many different things, so even if she was substantially pleasant, he unknowingly kept it to himself.

_"A time will come when everyone will go on with living their lives. It's a bit lonely, but it's the truth."_

_"But... I want to stay with you, Kenshin."_

He naively believed that if things stayed the same, then their home wouldn't change. He would be there anytime to fulfill his innate duty. But apart from the new good, simple life they carried when things finally settled down, he knew Kaoru kept some things to herself. He feared that she wished for a change in life that required him to take the initiative. However, if eventually asked, he knew that by now he could only correspond to anything she needed of him. She meant more than enough to deserve such trust. But what did _he_ deserve? The chain of thoughts in his mind eventually led to the fact that Kaoru's absence was causing him to relive the same chapter of his life when he believed that she was gone forever. Every feeling from that time emerged uncontrollably, as he was struck by the idea of failing to protect Kaoru like he promised. He walked towards the place where he woke up. He had a somewhat guilty feeling that if he could he would have lived the dream differently. He would have stayed by Kaoru until the end, but how did he really leave her?... How could he stay a second more even if he wanted? People cannot take over their dreams, can they?

Uncertain of what to think, do or feel, being the last also the hardest to decipher, in a heavy step by step he wanted and tried hard to dispose of all thoughts scattered in his mind and the sudden abyss that loneliness presented him. In the past, he often encountered people he could assist or protect, even when there was no request to begin with. He met Kaoru still under this habit. Then, slowly and naturally, he changed. Before he departed to Kyoto, he faced one of the hardest decisions in his life, but he couldn't let anyone get that. The very clear fate of leaving brought him hurtful consequences. And so, when he reminded of her, he also wished for another day when fireflies in the night would only be a landscape for them to appreciate together, although he could die before accomplishing that. That could have been the last time he saw Kaoru. When she appeared in Hiko's cabin, he couldn't say anything to her. Until today, he had never truly expressed his conflicting gratitude. _I must have seemed so cold,_ the rurouni acknowledged, _Always returning her so little comparing to what she was willing to give me._

Grasping an unclear fate and hundreds of unanswered questions, Kenshin's aura altered; he fell on his knees, bringing his tightened fists to his eyes. Anxiety pushed all of his body muscles. His home... why was it gone? Could have it been something he had done? Was it rather something he _should have done._ instead? Did she have a choice when she left? Did she lose her patience? Did someone much more deserving of her invite her to live by their side? _Did she..._

"Naze?", he cried, as both palms of his hands tumbled and touched the earth. His long, red hair covered all of his face except for his gritted teeth, annoyed with himself, disgusted with his past, hopeless about his future. He yelled and his eyes shed hurtful tears. "Dou shimasu ka..." He was tormented by doubt, and that doubt was proof he was worthless. He sworn to protect her, but she disappeared. How could he protect someone who wasn't near him anymore?

Despite his feelings at that rough moment of denial, Kenshin would know he still hadn't tried everything he could. At that moment, he wasn't aware that just like a storm precedes a sunny day, so would he live through this episode; but he would soon be. Whether he could protect Kaoru or not, he had to get moving. The rurouni had the feeling she couldn't possibly be dead; she had to be alive, somewhere... And if he was wrong, crying for her right now would be the same as denying the never-ending circle of life.

He stood up and cleaned his face with the sleeve of his gi. There, right in front of him, was the abandoned, empty dojo that for some reason Kaoru left behind. And for now, he would be leaving it as well.

"I must find her", he exclaimed as he turned his back on the gate, "I must know what happened."

The first person Kenshin tried to reach was Tae from the Akabeko. He was confidant that if somebody knew what happened, it would be definitely her. When he approached the restaurant, he felt confused when he saw they had been remodeling. "Gomen nasai, the owner and employees of the Akabeko have sold the business. I heard they were invited to start a new one in America", a waiter in the hall told him. Kenshin considered Tae someone very keen on business, but he never imagined she'd take such a huge step like that. He hoped it would be for the best, although it was sad to picture a life without that good place he knew. Then he tried the Gensai clinic. Strangely, also here the staff was completely new, and they knew very little about the founding doctors of the clinic. Although they kept the name, they had no relation with Gensai at all. Only when he asked other people in town, he discovered that Gensai had been offered an exquisite opportunity to learn modern medicine in Germany, which lead him and the woman doctor to travel abroad. _They might even run into Yutaro, who knows?... _When met the landlord of the room Sanosuke used to rent, the man said he hadn't seen him for a long time, either. "...And it's best he doesn't come back, unless he is packed with the load of money he owes me, that bakayarou!"

The rurouni still roamed around asking for Kamiya Kaoru, the instructor of the Kamiya Kasshin style, first in the nearby villages, then further to the west. The best information he got was that the dojo was still under her name. _So she may come back eventually, it seems. _He always thanked people politely and with a smile, while his eyes seemed caved inside as he walked in someone else's direction in order to repeat the same question, over and over. This routine was one he kept for a while. It never bored him, but neither gave him any significant lead. As he went further away from Tokyo, people would be less and less informative. Then, one day, he met a particular old man wearing a straw hat who gleamed his eyes as he heard the woman's name.

"Iie, gomen", the man said, tearing Kenshin's hope apart. "How long have you been looking?"

"For two weeks now", Kenshin replied, lowering his head. Noticing his moderately exhibited sadness, the stranger pronounced:

"People, like things, become harder to find when it's part of our duty, and time only makes it harder. But as the day comes, the day when all patience and persistence is finally rewarded, there's only one thing you really need to remember..."

Kenshin opened his eyes upon hearing the man's words. "Douiu koto?", he prompted. The old man's eyeballs were completely apart from the universe for a while, and he was oddly silent.

"Ja, never mind!" , the stranger finally answered, smiling relaxed. "This old man can't focus properly anymore... anyway, whatever I was going to say..."

"C-could you-... I haven't really got any advice since I started looking for Kaoru-dono...", he requested, "What do I need to remember when I find her?"

The old man was happy to see the redhead asking for more, but he was speaking the truth when he said he forgot what he was saying, so Kenshin repeated the words for him to help him remember.

"Sou!", the old man recalled, "Anzuru yori umu ga yasashi [Fear is greater than the danger]" He bowed and said, "And keep in your mind that time alters most things of this Earth, if not all. Ganbatte kudasai. I hope that you find Kaoru-dono and that it finally gets you back your real smile. Sayounara, rurouni-san", he uttered as little children dragged the old man by his hands. "Yare yare, little ones, I can walk by myself". The children laughed enthusiastically.

Kenshin was captured by the man's last few words. He smiled each time he thanked for someone's help, but this man confronted him with the veracity of it. He looked through him more than other people. _Time may change most things on Earth,_ Kenshin thought as he exited the current village, _but I won't let it change what is important to me, that I won't. _For the sake of finding Kaoru, all empty paths, being possible, would still be valid in his quest. It led him to make his way across Japan with the intent of finding her, talking to her, and accepting whatever feelings she might hold. No matter how much it hurt to see his home abandoned and friends gone, he wouldn't accept not knowing at least why.

Months went by as fast as the wind. "The old man was right", Kenshin mumbled, "But I am still here, that I am. I must endure and keep going." He sat alone in the small house he was staying in for the time being. He would probably stay for a while there, given the fact that it was the coldest winter he'd seen since his memories of early childhood. Snow piled up everywhere, blocking roads and painting entire villages, trees and mountaintops of a bluish white. In this house, with the aid of a traditional fireplace, he could at least feel warm. It was lonely, but he was fine with it; attached to his worn out map, looking for routes he hadn't tried yet, finding another one to go.

By the road, there ran a small, crystal clear river. When dusk appeared, Kenshin went to sit by the small porch, despite the cold air passing through his clothing. Tonight he would care less about anything, so at least it would feel better if he could have a clear sight of the moon. The air wasn't foggy, and the sky cleared as soon as the last clouds from the evening flew with the wind. Tightening his scarf around his neck, he quietly watched the moon. It illuminated the road in such a beautiful and simple manner that he felt invited to get closer. He peeked into the dark mud-like water, contrasting with how much clearer it looked in the daylight. Then he looked up at the sky. That was a beautiful, perfectly incomplete amber colored moon.

A sudden branch noise caused him to turn his head to the left. It sounded like it came from nearby trees. He immediately stood up. "Dare ka?", he shouted. Swiftly, he ran to the suspicious tree and quickly met the unannounced visitor, who surprised him and hence caused him to distract from his own balance as he tried to stop. Suddenly he was face to face with the stranger.

"Please don't hurt me!", a weak female voice howled.

Kenshin was unarmed, so she must have been scared by his sudden behavior. He looked in her terrified eyes. "Gomen nasai, I didn't mean to frighten you", he said, stepping back. The girl slowly calmed down, looking away from him. Then, he carefully asked her, "Why were you hiding?"

Her heartbeat was fast, so she had to force words to sound. "I-I... I live here in Shirakawa. I still come around because I miss someone who was here just a few days ago. I just found there was someone new living in the house, so I... I was happy to see you watch the moon so deeply... but... I didn't want.. t-to... Please forgive me, I've been a bother..."

"Daijoubu!", he affirmed, "Please allow me to make you some tea. It is very cold out here, that it is." He softly smiled although there was a certain lack of emotion in the facial expression he had.

Although this girl looked like she was around Misao's age, her behavior suggested she was older. She wore an elegant but simple dark blue kimono, and her pale skin did resemble some kind of sickness. "I can't thank you enough for your kindness, sir", she shyly said as she held her cup while he served.

"Kenshin", he corrected. "Himura Kenshin desu."

_When did I hear that name before?_, she thought. Taking a bow, she presented, "Nishimura Mayu desu."

"Yoroshiku onegai shimasu, Mayu-dono." _So polite_, the woman thought. Not a lot of people were used to Kenshin's typical manners.

"I have to apologize for earlier, Kenshin-san", she reminded.

"Shinpai shinaide", he assured her. "But it's late, and you should be careful when going out alone at night, that you should."

"Ano... I really wouldn't like to go back home, not now."

"Doushita no?"

"I'd say it's a long story, and I don't want to take any more of your time..."

"Douzo. There's more tea and some rice cake too if you'd like, Mayu-dono."

She nodded. Kenshin served her more tea. Happy that he'd allow her to share her story, she told: "I... I have been diagnosed with a rare sickness when I was younger. I'm supposed to avoid stress at all costs, or I might... suddenly collapse..."

"M-Mayu-dono...", Kenshin worried, "Forgive me for being so sudden before..."

"Daijoubu", Mayu seemed calm overall. "I haven't had an episode for years now, and I'm regularly checked by doctors, but nobody seems to care about how I feel despite all of this... and they scold me for sneaking out of my room"

"I'm sure those people are only trying to protect you", Kenshin grievously noted, "You should be careful or you might get hurt."

"It's only natural that you say that", she voiced in a lament, "...but my heart tells me otherwise"

Kenshin could say he understood her, but he thought that living should be more important than anything else. People around her would suffer if she passed away, and it must be so hard already to live with that constant fear, mostly to Mayu; but, truth be told, she made it look like there was no danger at all. She wanted happiness over safety, even with such aftermath.

"A week ago I came to this road and saw light inside the house. I thought I heard music and I was curious, so I got closer. A woman hummed such a sad melody, but she did it in a way that sounded lively and strong. I was standing right by the door, hearing attentively. It may sound foolish, but it made me feel so much better that the only thing I could do was to cry. I guess I was shy or scared to meet this person, so I was about to turn around and leave when she unexpectedly opened the door."

...

"Daijoubu?...", the occupier gently asked the woman at the door, taking a good look at her. "Why are such thick tears clouding your pretty face?" Mayu smiled over her tears. "It's cold here, would you like to go inside?", the woman asked in a friendly tone. Mayu accepted, happy for being invited.

"Jasmine tea, is it okay?"

"Ano...", she wanted to say yes but thank the kind woman by her name. "...What is your name?"

"I am an assistant teacher of the Kamiya Kasshin ryuu. My name is Kamiya Kaoru and my dojo is in Tokyo."

"Hontou? Sugoi!", Mayu's eyes shone. "I'm Nishimura Mayu and I live here in Shirakawa, but I don't remember seeing you here before..."

"That's logical", Kaoru replied, "I'm looking for someone very dear to me."

"Hontou...?", Mayu exclaimed as she noticed Kaoru's melancholic eyes. "Why in Shirakawa?"

"For no reason in particular", she answered. "It was one more place to try, along with all others left."

"Did this person... leave you?", Mayu asked.

"To be honest, wakaranai." Kaoru sipped from the cup. "I have a feeling he's lost. He's been through a lot, and he barely talks about his own feelings. No one can really see what's going on inside him."

"But, you can, can't you Kaoru-san?", Mayu cheered.

"I wonder if I ever could", Kaoru timidly smiled. "When he disappeared, I lost that faith. You see, he is someone who will risk everything for the safety of others. He left us once, for he is a fiery swordsman himself, and everyone needed him to put an end to the chaos that was going on in Kyoto... I was the only one he said goodbye to, he came from the dark and walked away in the dark, the air was filled with the green lights of the fireflies...", she recalled, "...A lot has happened since then, but it was when I met him once again that I started to believe he chose me, somehow... Still today, I'm not sure of how he feels towards me, though. It's been a year since he disappeared, and I sincerely hope this time has helped him figure out whatever he had unresolved. I just wanted him to..."

Kaoru knew that it was a good time to stop thinking about Kenshin and getting to know her guest. "Mayu-san, I'm happy that you came by, but it's almost dark... won't your parents worry?"

"All they do is worry", Mayu confessed. "They are afraid to lose me for a rare sickness I have. It can strike anytime, and it's more likely to occur under stress, so I don't even go to school. Instead, my parents got me a private teacher, and because of that I don't have any chance to make friends... When I told them that I was unhappy about my life, they were disappointed. They believe I'm not thankful for their efforts, but the truth is, I am... but I hate feeling constantly in debt with them when I haven't really done anything to be sick in the first place..."

"That is a cruel thing", Kaoru angrily spouted. "You can't live a happy life if you're imprisoned like that..."

"Arigatou, Kaoru-san"

"You don't have to thank me... Isolated in an environment like that, deprived from your own will... who expected you to be happy with that?"

"A-arigatou!", Mayu sobbed, "I can't thank you enough for..."

"Nandemonai yo", Kaoru rapidly answered with a quick smile. "Would you like some kukkii?", she happily offered.

Mayu felt cheerful for finding someone who understood her so well without knowing her at all. It was the first time she heard someone reasoning her in spite of her sickness.

"Oishii", Mayu said while eating to avoid more tears. "Did you bake them yourself?"

Kaoru laughed. "I'm a terrible cook, and I mean it. These were bought in the village, of course."

Mayu saw Kaoru smile, but also noticed her sadness. After a year, she was still looking for that person. Kaoru didn't hate him for leaving, on the contrary: she would look for him everywhere and do whatever it took to see him again.

"It must be hard for you, Kaoru-san", Mayu held Kaoru's hands in a comforting way, looking down as she spoke, "You understand me, and you smile like everything's going to be okay, but you carry pain in your heart inside... And you even tell me about such meaningful things to you..." She cleaned her own running tears on the tip of her kimono's sleeve.

"Ureshii desu", Kaoru uttered.

"How long will you be staying in Shirakawa...?", Mayu asked, wishing her to stay but keeping the thought that she should leave soon.

"Another couple of days, and then I'm heading back to Tokyo. I need to be there if he comes back. In the meantime," Kaoru gasped, "If you see a man with a cross-shaped scar on his face, red hair and carrying a sword, would you please let him know I'm waiting for him at home?"

"Hai! I will, Kaoru-san! Ano... What's his name?"

...

Mayu had been speaking for a long time without any response from the rurouni. She was about to tell him the name of the person when reality struck her. _Masaka...? This man._ She looked into his violet eyes, then at his cross-shaped scar. "...Himura... Kenshin... wa?"

"Kaoru-dono was here", he mumbled.

"Sou!", Mayu confirmed, "She's been looking for you, and now she's waiting for your return! You should hurry to Tokyo!"

_Time changes most things of the Earth, if not all. Have I changed so harshly that I can't even recognize myself? What have I been looking for? Was it really Kaoru, or was it something else after all? Should I really go back to Tokyo? What will happen when she asks me why I left? I only remember leaving to find her, to know what happened to our home... I have been wanting to see her more than anything...  
><em>

"Kenshin-san...?"

__...but she's been with me all this time. _Kaoru-dono always tries to find me, no matter what I decide to do. The dojo was abandoned, because she left to look for me... for some reason, I left and I don't remember... I believed she had given up, all sort of things went through my head... why didn't anyone tell me? Why was it so difficult to know that..._

"Kenshin-san?" Mayu was very excited for seeing the opportunity of them reuniting. "Hanashite kudasai! Dou suru?"

"Wa... Wakaranai", Kenshin replied, still looking for an answer to his own dilemma.

"Don't you want to go back to Kaoru-san?"

Mayu just stared at Kenshin, trying to understand what he was going through. _Kaoru-san was right_, she thought, _He does keep a lot to himself. _"Kenshin-san, Kaoru doesn't care why you left. She just wants to see you again... That's all you have to do, unless... it's not what... you..."

"Please don't assume I don't want to go back", he uttered, "Sessha, more than anything else, want to see Kaoru-dono..."

"And she's been looking for you all this time, too! Isn't it wonderful?" Mayu had a strange feeling that it wasn't as simple as it seemed to her. After an hesitation, she carefully asked him, "What's wrong?"

"The truth is", he paused, "I don't remember ever leaving. One day, everything and everyone was gone. I asked people around, and too much had changed. I could find any of our friends or any clues on where Kaoru could be, so I left to find out what happened."

"Demo, Kenshin-san, all you need to do is return to Tokyo, as soon as you can... Eeto... I'm sorry I said those things about you."

"Douiu koto?", he asked, confused.

"Well, that... you kept everything to yourself... and..." Mayu blushed at her thoughts. "I told you everything Kaoru-san told me... Please, don't tell her about it!"

"Shinpai nai", Kenshin smiled. "It seems that I'm not the only one who's kept things to myself, that I'm not."

"It's true...", Mayu smiled back. "I...", she hesitated for a while, "I really hope things work out between you and Kaoru-san."

"Arigatou, Mayu-dono. So do I..."

...

There was the gate to the dojo where he swore to find Kaoru, no matter how far he'd need to go. Anxiety took over him as he opened it and stepped inside. He wished so badly to hear Kaoru's voice, even if her mood was terrible. Anything from her right now would ease his mind; no matter how hopeful he was, a strange feeling still resided in him. The feeling that his own story didn't make any sense. Could he even explain the coincidence of meeting Mayu, who also met Kaoru before him?

It smelled like somebody was making miso soup. He recalled how difficult it was for Kaoru to cook properly, and how she lamented her own lack of skill in it. He entered the kitchen, but he didn't find her there. There was a futon in her bedroom and not much else. When he walked across the hall, he suddenly stopped upon hearing a sad but beautiful melody. It captured him in an instant. Just like Mayu had described. The sound came from the bathroom, which was right next to his old room. He carefully listened to the echoed melody. _She must be taking a bath, so I will probably have to wait before I can see her..._ He felt tired, for he'd been traveling nearly non-stop for five days, taking naps whenever he couldn't take it anymore, dealing with the icy wind and shortness of money. It felt so warm and cosy in there, even without a futon; he could use one, but he couldn't possibly startle Kaoru. _And to think I used to sleep sit, with nothing else but my sword. _He placed the sakabatou in the floor and leaned his back against the shoji wall.

His heavy eyelids bonded as he listened to the inspiring melody, now as soft as a lullaby.

...

_Wakarimashita._

The melody echoed through his thoughts.

_What really mattered to me was to protect her... But she wanted happiness more than safety. Could I have been such a fool?_

_"Anzuru yori umu ga yasashi." [Fear is greater than danger.]_

The humming stopped.

...

TO BE CONTINUED

* * *

><p>Hitori - Alone<br>Rurouni - Wanderer  
>Shoji - Traditional Japanese door<br>Naze - Why  
>Dou shimasu ka - What will I do?<br>Gi - Top clothing (Kenshin's gi is pink)  
>Gomen nasai, Gomen - I'm sorry<br>Bakayarou - Idiot  
>Iie - No<br>Douiu koto - What do you mean  
>Ja - Well, So<br>Sou - Right, True  
>Anzuru yori umu ga yasashi - Fear is greater than the danger (Idiomatic expression)<br>Ganbatte - Good luck, Do your best  
>Douzo - 'If you please', Please go ahead<br>Kudasai - Please  
>Sayounara - Good-bye<br>Yare Yare - (Sound of a tired person)  
>Dare ka - Someone, somebody<br>Daijoubu - It's ok  
>Desu - Use equivalent to english "To be"<br>Yoroshiku onegai shimasu - Pleased to meet you (Literally: Please treat me well)  
>Shinpai shinaide, Shinpai nai - Don't worry<br>Ano, Eto - Umm...  
>Doushita no - Why is that?<br>Ryuu - style (Kamiya Kasshin style)  
>Hontou - True, Really<br>Sugoi - Cool, awesome, amazing  
>Wakaranai - I don't know<br>Arigatou - Thank you  
>Nandemonai yo - Don't worry!<br>Kukkii - Cookie  
>Oishii - Delicious<br>Ureshii - Happy  
>Hai - Yes<br>Masaka? - Could it be?  
>Sakabatou - Reverse blade sword<br>Wakarimashita - I understood

* * *

><p>Special thanks to kokoronagomu, whom I still owe a proper response. (Y) Gomen, but I'll be in touch soon.<p>

It was extremely hard for me to make this chapter happen. I can promise you that the story is very close to unfold. I have a document where I write things like "Why does Ep. X end like this", "Why does Ep. Y even exist", or "What does Z mean", to help me through it. I was holding onto my introversion and keeping it for myself, but as time goes by I get more and more drawn into sharing it with you when the story is finished.

And now, an unexpected revelation... Õ_ó But first, an intriguing question... What is coming after this story? More Rurouni Kenshin, mochiron! But not just any RK fiction. Ok, here it comes. It's a crossover... with the Hannibal TV series. (If you haven't watched it, you're losing a masterpiece, although I don't recommend watching it alone. I simply couldn't.) I've planned it for almost a year, and I'm thrilled to make it happen. Yes, it's going to have suspense, and gore, and Mads Mikkelsen. And Saitou Hajime, and Hiko Seijuurou, and somebody turned into a lovely steak.

Ja, mata ne! :)


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